I was born a month before Jesus! Run come celebrate!

Ahoy Chapelures,

I invite you to my party.  Come.
-----------------------------------------------

IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER ROUSING ROUND OF STRATEGO IN THE PARK BECAUSE I WAS BORN.

Unlike some people who are as yet unborn, and so have no birthdays, and so are not turning twenty seven, I am having a birthday bash.  Oh yes.
 
Time: High Park Station
 
Place: December 1st
 
Date: 1 p.m.
 
Be there or be even more square than you already are.
 
Presents:  Why, thank you.  Food bank donations (they prefer $ to food, apparently - but either's fine) AND / OR 
carbon offsets (http://www.davidsuzuki.org/Climate_Change/What_You_Can_Do/carbon_offsets.asp) are awesome.  
If you give them to me, you will be awesome, too.
 
RSVP if you feel like it, in any form you like.  Carrier pigeons are a classic idea, for those of you racking your brains for the perfect "creative RSVP".  
If the idea of RSVPing gives you shakes and hives, don't do it.  I will also be accepting high fives on the day of, in lieu of RSVPs prior to the event.
 
See you there.  I expect that the more intelligent among you will be wearing neat camouflage-themed facepaint.  
I salute your intelligence!  Stand up and be counted!
 

The game will be followed by festivities back at my new homestead at 1579 Dundas (next door to my old place and the Lula Lounge, Matt Galloway's favourite club). You will note that in this way, I am combining birthday and housewarming parties. This is due to the fact that I am a genius. Because I am a genius, you should come to my party. Logic! I am a logitician!

The game is based on a combination of Stratego (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stratego) and Capture the Flag.  You will like it.

Eva

P.S.  Orenzo, I lost the piece of paper wif your address.  One hopes that it has not fallen into the wrong hands.

---

R U Ready for Windows Live Messenger Beta 8.5? Try it today!

of the modest beginnings of the armoire secretary, recorded 10 November, 2006

(This missive sent from Penchance Polyflute the Loinhearted to UCCS founding members, forwarding the application for admission from one Pippa Ellsworth Marigold of the West-End Armoire)

.- - - . -. - .. --- -. .-.-.- -.-. --- -- -- ..- -. .. --.- ..- . / ..-. .-. --- -- / ..- -.-. -.-. ... / .... . .- -.. --.- ..- .- .-. - . .-. ... .-.-.- - .... . / .. -. ...- . .-. - . -.. / ..-. --- .-. . ... - .-.-.- / ( http://www.qbit.it/lab/morse.php for translation of Morse code)

Communique from the Inverted Forest as Follows:

Dear Charter members of the U.C.C.S. I would like to present to you an application of membership by the close friend of Douglas Fourier one Pippa Ellsworth Marigold. She has sent this electronic missive, and I find her to be an ample patron of the Chap Spirit. I put forward the motion to have her entrenched in to our Charter as a member. Will anyone second and third the motion?

Yours in heat,
Penchance Polyflute the Loinhearted


Here is her message to us. (she is a mistress of flattery indeed)

Dearest Dandies, Flaneurs, and most convivial chaps,
I have had the honor of being forwarded the latest correspondence from Mr.Wildflower to Sir Furrier, and am writing this with a slight apprehension that if I am not prompt in my reply, I will lay waste this second chance to be included in such fine e-pistles and worldy missives as you all seem to have been indulging in for some time.
For many a month now I have sat, sipping tea and staring out my basement window, at the flabby buttocks and unfortunate footwear that pass me by, wondering where and what civilization has gotten to. Could it be that the lifting of a dog's leg is all that is left to mark the cultural progress of my fair neighbourhood?
Well by the tiny balls of Christ, I fervently hope Not.
Perhaps, then, a hearkening unto new avenues of discriminating pursuits and dialogues will prove fruitful? I certainly hope so.
Now.
I have few recent tales of exotic lands, having landed, oh, now, four years ago, from mine own worldy travels; to this (ahem) "fair" city of Toronto, in the hopes of making something vaguely respectable out of myself. I am however prone to frequent bouts of teary nostalgia, for dreary foreign lands with overcooked food, for incomprehensible guides through highly underrated nooks and crannies of the East, as well as other less-spoken of but equally curious nether regions of this fair planet.
I would be most happy to partake in any like-minded meanderings, as well as perhaps contribute a thought or two from my modest corner of existence, were you to be so kind as to accept me into your brethren.
Most kind regards, and a toast to you all, mit (unintentionally) soggy biscuit,
Pippa Ellsworth Marigold. (Esquiré)

ps. (having just received an outline for potential membership, mere MOMENTS before sending this off, I would like to add a small...adjunct, complimenting the present members of the UCCS on their genius and all-round chapliness. So there. Pip Pip. Jolly Good.)

a small here here to immortality from Penchance.

Tethers,
You show good form old boy, generosity is the spice of Mankind and you show it in droves. Its no wonder your Sherpas are so devoted to you, what with all the favours you dote upon them . Keep your tent cozy and full old boy those high peaks can chill to the bone.

Penchance Polyflute L.H.
Preparing for my Sojourn

P.S. If by chance you catch sight of the elusive Putnam Mongrel Hawk please try to identify its genus for me.

sunset saunter immortalized

After thoughtful and due consideration of the matter at hand... and
consulting my faithful Sherpa porters, I have come to see wisdom of
reproducing, in image, the buffoonery that was the Sunset Saunter. Hence I
am full of endorsement for Pippa's endeavor.

Jaxon Tethers
Himalayan Emperchment at 18,000 ft.

of pomp and vigour on a Saturday afternoon: the 2007 Chaps Olympiad

My fellow chaps,
First, an apology, this e-pistle is long overdue, and shows a remarkable lack of grace with regards to due regards, erm, regarding the events of some weekends ago. Matters in the armoire swept me up, as always, and one must occasionally struggle past the fatigue of being...overworked.
Now.
I must thank you all profusely for allowing me to participate in the Vigorous sport and imbibations (sic) of early August, during this year's edition of the Chaps Olympiad.
I commend especially Ozcar's Exemplary organizational skills (indeed, ahem, i commend All his Skills, but for our purposes here, I shall restrict myself to the matter "at hand"), as well as his kindness in "manning" the croquet set and grocery purchases. His queen's wave to the vulgoisie as the boat left the harbour showed outstanding pomp and elegance in the face of the disagreeable rabble.
Penchance's examination of the inaugural prize pineapple was prompt, reliable, and dignified. Furrier's conquering of the rubbish after first being bested by it in the rubbish removal event was...unprecedented, and Chetsy's ballet-like manoeuvres and bookish tenacity in the face of the Great Gut Stretch will be remembered with great fondness in years to come.
Without further adue, dear chappies, i lead you across the fields of uber-telegraph land, to a small "cyber" album of dagu-E-rrotypes highlighting moments of the great day:

http://picasaweb.google.com/steflenk/UCCSChapsOlympiad200702

To come soon: the Autumnal Classic, and a Wintertime-tea-party, sure la glace! And this time we will not part ways until we have engaged dear Hendricks in a congratulatory libation. All Hail the Noble Flaneur!

TooRoo, laddies,
xo

Pip

just to know what our cousins are up to back in the homeland

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2007/07/15/nchaps115.xml

picture a man...

caught in mid-stride, his gaze arrested on some yonder seemingly uninteresting thing.... yet he waits, he pauses, he gazes.... and then, he stops full. He takes a seat, his jaw resting in his hand, his eyes alternately fixed on yonder object or lost somewhere in his imagination, and he ponders... ponders, ponders, ponders, till the cows come home....

2nd UCCS Olympiad

Good Day, Chaprades,
my compatriots in Good Will, Good Sport and Good Gin.

A brief reminder of Saturday's UCCS Olympiad and Garden Sports Invitational.
[A long winded reminder to follow.]

Please arrive at the York Harbourfront Ferry Docks for 9 o'clock on the
morning of Saturday the 11th of August.
Given the Weather of late, we aim to partake in the Picnic, Sport, and
Ceremonies during the early hours, so that we may ferry back to the
Mainlande before any discomfort beneath the crisp collar.
And also that we may the earlier partake in a refreshing Pimms No. 1 Cup at
the Royal York.
Or several.
Chaps abroad will note this scheduling may allow the return to Vulgoise
undertakings later in the day.

This is a general call to have ready any wicker or reed picnic baskets,
thermal canteens, parasols or umberellas, and, of course, your finest white
or off-white linens for sporting vestment.

As ever, prepare yourself for Croquet, Brolly Gymnastics, Attendant
Football, Wading, and general Labyrinthine Athletics.

Until we Romp again.

Yrs in Simple Indulgences,
Ozcar Wildeflower III

Some pictures of the 1st Bi-anual Chap Olyimpiad to wet your appetites

Copy and paste the following into your browser:
http://picasaweb.google.ca/notdawa/2005ChapPlyimpics?authkey=NV-9DTQOXSw

And what prey tell...

is the Ponder-off? Could it be that most esteemed Voyager game of ages past?

So says Furrier

no one will beat me at the ponder-off.

Re: A nomination for membership

My good Sir, might I step out of time a second and say What the FUCK? Is this serious? This is the funniest thing ever, tell me its real and that he  seriously found you on the UCCS webpage and contacted you thinking you are  Ruddy Tempars The Vicar of Dual Cuntings. I hope you shall at least reply to him and inform him that you are not in fact related to the deceased.

Penchy

A nomination for membership

My Fellow Chaps,

It would appear that my family in the old country has found me and is attempting to woo me back. I have claimed to be from a modest family. In truth I am the heir to an 8.5 million dollar estate. As the simple life pleases me I will not step up to claim my right. It would please me however to nominate the only link to world I once knew as a non-resident member of the Upper Canada Chap Society.

For your consideration:

Mr Timmy.A.Mgbadamegbulam
Barristers & Solicitors of the supreme court of Togo.

Please find a correspondence attached as a testament to his honour and integrity.

Yours, and mine,

Rudyard Ruddy Tempers,
The Vicar of Dual Cuntings

--- timmy mgbadam,barriester.

From the Offices of .Mgbadam & Mgbadam Solicitors
3rd floor Rue 6,Avenue 11 Cocody
Lome Republic of Togo
West Africa
Mr Timmy.A.Mgbadamegbulam
Barristers & Solicitors of the supreme
court of Togo.
Direct Tel: +228 961 8034

Attention:Tempers,

Private Message
I am contacting you for the claim of your late uncle fund that was deposited with the Eco-Bank International Lome, Togo. I am soliciting for your confidence in this matter, this is by virtue of its nature as being utterly confidential. Though I know that a contact of this magnitude will make any one apprehensive, but I am assuring you that all will be well since I know everything about your late uncle fund. I have decided to contact you due to the urgency of this matter. Let me start by introducing myself properly to you. I am Barrister Timmy.A.Mgbadamegbulam, the personal Attorney to your late uncle Engr. P. B. Tempers (Snr) a contractor and importer here in lome-Togo. 3 years ago he was involved in a ghasty motor accident along Nouvissi express Road. He was Banking with Eco-Bank International Lome Togo and had a closing balance as at the end of september 2004, worth $ 8.5 million usd (Eight Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars).The bank now expects the Next of Kin to come forward as beneficiary. Efforts have been made by the management of Eco-Bank International Togo to get in touch with any of the Deceased Family or Relatives, but they have met with no success. Now the management under the influence of the bank Chairman and Members of the Board of directors, has made arrangement for the fund to be declared Unclaimed so that they can share the money amongst themselves. In order to avert this negative development, as part of my duty, I decided to track his last name over the Internet, to locate any member of his family hence I contacted you All documents and proof to enable you get this fund will be carefully worked out by me for this claim. I have secured from the probate an order of Mandamus to locate any of the deceased beneficiaries, and more so am assuring you that this claim is 100% risk free. On the receipt of your response i will furnish you with detailed clarification as it relates to this mutual benefit transaction. Call me upon receipt of this information.

Yours faithfully,
Mr Timmy.A.Mgbadamegbulam

Barristers & Solicitors of the supreme
court of Togo.
Direct Tel: +228 961 8034

Re: The 2nd Chap Olympiad - Prepare Thy Sporting Linens

...---...--.---..--.-..--...--....--.--.-.-.----.-..-.---.-..-..-.-..-.-.

INCOMING CHAP COMMUNIQUE
FROM COMMAND HQ
..-.-.-.-.--.--.....--.---..-..--.-...---....-.-.-.--..-.-.-.-..--.-.--.--...--.-.--.-.-.

What-ho Gents and Ladies,

Peerless news tiding to you, Prepare your inner beings for unconfinable Joy.

I am happy to Pronounce that this Saturday August the 11th shall be the date of:

The 2nd UCCS Chap Olympiad
To be held on Wards Island this coming Saturday

Come one, come all, come all day, come  all night.  Come again and again.
The Bi-annual event soon to be undertaken for the 2nd time shall feature  many of the classic spoftifs of the last Olympics as well as some new trial events.
What events you ask? Well let me inform you.
The Classics,
Imperial Rules Croquet (but of course)
Fountainside Impromptu Ballet
Old World Tourist Wooing
Crestless Cucumber sandwich tossing
The Great Gut Stretch Picnic luncheon
Attendant Football
The 100 yard Sunset Saunter

Trial sports
Fisticuff-links
Labyrinth NAZI's
Umbrella Toss
ParasolKendo (for the ladies)
Wading
What will you need? You might ask  your butler to prepare you the some of he following:  Bright sport clothing or summer dresses, footwear suitable for walks in the grass, head wear, picnic basket filled with assortments of edibles to share, Umbrella or parasol (mandatory), field glasses, crestless cucumber sandwiches (the more the merrier), tea sets.
Hope to see you all out in your finest, this event is of course open to all who have someone with taste to dress them and, as always, is closed to the Vulgoise  (you know who you are).
Please forward to all who have been missed.
More news to come mid-week.

Yours Truly,
 Penchance Polyflute the Loinhearted

of near naked ladies, ice skates, and oversized puppets

My chapliest chaps,
First of all, 'twas lovely to run into a few of you at the Shameless Dames
burlesque on Friday. Wildeflower, the Lady R was very pleased to make your
acquaintance, and Sir Conrad only twitched once or twice with envy as your
fine manners and skilled idle banter no doubt wooed her from betwixt the
satin-clad ladies. Mademoiselle de Pompier (if indeed this moniker belongs
to you, I am in quite a shameful tizzy remembering which Chaply Title
belongs to which modern one, but I do try!) I must apologize for my
overambitious fingernails, and the security guard's aggressive mishandling
of your fine form, but you do understand that without my pastys, I am
Nothing. Nothing. I can appreciate you were spirited to see them...at such
close hand(s), and I promise to try to find you a pair of like quality for
when next we meet.
But anon! This short missive is an announcement for all who might be
inclined. A small and very amazing puppet company called Clay and Paper is
having a skating event next weekend at Dufferin Grove park. From 3 to 5pm
there will be skating at the ice rink there with very large puppets and one
of these modern musical phenomena they call DJ's. Should be glorious, and
'tis free as well, so you may save your ducats for hot chocolate afterwards,
should any be inclined. Here is the uber-telegraph address for any
interested parties, ( http://www.clayandpapertheatre.org/news.html)
Oh yes, and I do suggest forgoing chaply raiments for woolly underthings,
bellaclavas and mucluks, given the state of the weather these days.
I, for one, shall be wearing a parka beneath my pastys.

Cheerio, all, hope to see you on the ice!
Pippa

RE: A UCCS Nomination

I am fully too distraught to properly address my dearest chaps and lushes.

Yesterday only having just returned from an alpine saunter up the mountain
of Cype' and discovered this rather trifling missive... I felt I must reply.
In the negative.

May I protest? Is there room for dissension? I cannot sit idly by while we
allow such a sleepyhead scholastic-ridden liars-in to woo our one truest
chap to the hot wet climes of Oz.

For that is her plan. And no pets? By god.

I beg you. What can possibly be the reason for allowing such a nefarious
associate of the sea going hordes into our not-insubstantially vetted midst?
If propriety allows, for I speak only the barest observations as a modest
lady of indescriminate means, I dare say! Absolutely not. I am prepared to
face the not seemingly nice wayfaring house of which she is extended. No,
rather nay! to all nefariousness.

Signatorially,
The Lady Pompier
Abreast in Wildes

Fwd: in response to the request for an update of the charter

Sir,

 
I have attached the requested correspondence regarding the urgent update of the UCCS charter:
 
Peregrine Cheswicke Ravenshaw
President, Owner, Officer, Naturalist, Ravenshaw & Co. Exotic Imports Ltd.
(ubernet address censored from possible Vulgoisie invasions)

A UCCS Nomination

Spendid recounting, Penchance!

Oh, how i've missed your sweetly cunning forked tongue. What wordwise
witifacts you craft!

On your invitation, i am proud to propose that UCCS Membership be extended
to the most strict, orderly, and warmhearted Chap i know, the

Lady Grace Bedfordshire
(ubernet address censored from possible Vulgoisie invasions)
Headmistress and Principal Disciplinarian,
Caulfield Grammar School

Who is also exceedingly adept with the birch rod.
She has been tirelessly maintaining the New Holland Refuge Centre for Chaps
Abroad, where the good Sgt. Furrier and myself have oft found solace,
sustenace and a firm birching before an enticingly early bedtime.
Lady Grace enjoys bircher muesli, toast soldiers with soft boiled eggs,
sunset promenades, and some of the earliest recorded bedtimes known to
Mankinde. She has no pets.

I anticipate that my Lady, pending her Membership, would appreciate only the
occasional posting of UCCS events, as her scholastic schedule and far
removed circumstances may leave her indisposed to receiving all of our
voluminous missives.
As such, i request that we exempt her from the primary UCCS mailing list.

I find the Lady Bedfordshire to be of the most worthy echelon of Chapkinde
and i humbly ask all you Chaps to please consider her for UUCS Membership.
Also, as she decends from an old House in Penzance with certain nefarious
nautical allegiances, i caution that crossing her may garner you a gleaming
cutlass held cold to the pulse of your neck.
I have learned not to defy her. I pray you follow me on this, lest it be
the plank [and not the spank] for you!

Ever your Student In Man,
ahem, Student Of Mankinde,
Ozcar Wildeflower

Charter Update is neccesary

Hello Chaps,
What a dashing display it all was. I must say I never expected that we would have such a smashing turnout of dandies as we did. By Jove, the halls of the Royal York haven't seen such panache in at least 30 years to be sure. Fabulous work on the slow festering surprise tactic, everyone was nicely scattered about at different tables and the added touch of people arriving just as we sat down only added to the sense of snowballing Chappelry the evening had in store.

A few highlights

1. I must make note of the fine cut of Impresario's suit as well as his Ermine accessory, fabulous.
2. The Pimm's #1 Gin Cups were made just right after the bar tender was giving a right schooling.
3. Gandja Djin was sporting a resplendent Afghani Battle Vest positively smoking with inner fire. By god a few of those could power the revolution into the future.
4. Les Rouses looked right recovered.
5. The Lady Guinevere and her accompanying femme fatale had my loins in a pretzel.
6. What a Guestbook that was, what font choices, what card stock, nothing less than Arches 90 pound cold pressed I wold guess. Printed in Duo tones. Touche Pippa.
7. Oh what a joy to pin those pins onto all those breasts.
8.Chapahauntus' newest incarnation was a bag....er gas I mean. And her friends were as upstanding as they come, despite some hearing problems, may we all lend our pipes to the assistance of the Rear Admiral's ear in the future.
9. Woodblocks prints....need I say more?
10. The finest of pipe weeds personally delivered by the Vicar from his parish garden. (bet you wished you stuck around for that Djinn)
11. Russian Bride....Bang, Pop go the Champagne Corks
12. Moroccan Slave boy.....I must say Fourier I know you've spent a long time alone in the barrens but you can't tell a slave boy from from a dashing Princess of the East. Charmed.
13. And of course most importantly Ozcars face in the early minutes of the evening. (already tempered by an earlier Pimm's #3 Winter Cup). That said it all.


Must say it would be nice to get together an updated charter with new member's names added. I can't remember most of them. Please send membership applications and nominations.
All membership applications should include.

Full Name (plus modern world moniker)
Email address
Occupational Description

They can either aplly or you can nominate someone if they are too tyed up in pressing engagments to do so themselves.

So much my Chumades,
Until next time.

Penchance Polyflute the Loinhearted - at your service

RA BUM

Rear Admiral Beasley Uxbridge Mountemyoung (fondly known to his crew and
cronies as "Admiral BUM") wishes to be added to this list, thus I have CCd
him on this e-mail.